Embracing Change

Let's talk about Change.

Now, I'm guessing when I made this suggestion you had one of possibly three different reactions:

1) You instantly developed a pit in your stomach and lump in your throat...indicating an anxious response.

2) You got super excited and started plotting your next adventure.

3) You were indifferent and had little response at all.  Except maybe all it did was trigger a thought about something you needed to do like change out the laundry, or change the lightbulb that's been out for two weeks in the bathroom.  

I realize, when making an assumption like this, there's a whole lot of middle ground that I didn't cover in these possible reactions.  But sometimes it's just easier to address the extremes.  Like Bob Wiley (from "What about Bob") who says "There are two kinds of people in this world....those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."  It's just easier to say either you like change or you don't (or you're indifferent) but of course it's not always that simple.  Maybe when it comes to Neil Diamond though.  In my experience that's a pretty hot or cold topic.  Either you like "Sweet Caroline," or you want to punch her in the face!  It's as simple as that.  

Okay....

Moving on...

The word change can definitely stir up some strong feelings or emotions in some of us, and there's a reason for this.  According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, we all have a basic human need to feel safe.  I would add to this secure.  Change is something that has the potential to threaten our current feelings of safety and security because it brings with it the unknown.  When something changes in our lives, there is an inevitable period of uncertainty...especially as we adjust to the new "normal" it often brings.  Some people thrive off of change...it's exciting and thrilling, and they welcome it with open arms.  For others, the disruption of security can trigger feelings of anxiety, depression, or a sense of displacement.  

I often like to tell my kids "The one thing we can be certain of in this life is change."  That is a fundamental truth.  Life is progressive, like the steps of an escalator, in constant motion.  And anything that progresses has to change.  Life is an accumulation of stages, or seasons, which push us forward and keep us moving.  But the uncomfortable feelings that often come with change can sometimes be crippling enough to stifle our progression if we don't know how to embrace it.  

Looking back over the stages of my own life, I can easily see the pattern of change AND growth that has come with each transition.  And many changes have been good.  But when you are in the middle of a particularly difficult or painful transition, it can be hard to see past the discomfort.  

I am currently in the middle of a transition period myself.  My first child has recently "left the nest" and with this change has come the realization that I am entering a new phase and season of life.  Being someone who instinctively reacts to change with anxiety or resistance, this has been a particularly difficult one for me.  Of course you always know when children come into your home that eventually they'll go out on their own...which is of course what you want!  You want them to venture out and live their own lives, find their own place in the world, and go through their own life experiences.  But being aware, and wanting that for them, doesn't necessarily make it any easier.  Why?  Because it involves letting go...and often it's letting go of something we may not feel ready to let go of.  

I remember a time when I was trying to help my young toddler through a difficult transition.  It was time to get rid of the binki!  I was so over searching for a lost binki in the couch cushions or enduring the melt down when it couldn't be found.  I was ready for this change!  But she wasn't quite on board.  She faced this transition with some resistance and anxiety.  

After consulting an article about this in a parenting magazine, I sat her down and explained to her that she was now a "big girl," and she didn't need her binki anymore.  She was not convinced...actually, she looked at me like I had an alien growing out of my head.  Now that she is grown and I know her, I imagine she was thinking "Um, are you crazy woman?!"  But nevertheless, I persisted and moved on to the next suggested step.  I told her she could trade her binki in for a surprise, which she eagerly agreed to and swapped out the binki for the stuffed toy I offered her.  So far so good!  

The last step was to create a situation where she owned the idea of getting rid of the binki herself.  So I took her binki's into the kitchen and cut off the tip with the scissors, so there was just a little stump of binki left on the end.  .  Then I took them to her and told her they were "broken" now and she needed to throw them in the garbage.  My tender Mom heart can still see the horrified look on her face when she saw the broken binki's.  It obviously traumatized me too!  But I also knew it had to be done.  She reluctantly took the binki's and we walked into the bathroom where she threw them in the garbage.  I followed it up with some praise to reinforce she had done something good and she went on her way to play.  

This is where I learned something about change.  I remember going upstairs to put some laundry away, praising myself for a job well done.  Parenting is a piece of cake!  When I went back downstairs my daughter was quietly sitting on the couch watching the movie I had turned on for her.  As I got closer, I realized my celebration had been a little premature.  She was sitting there with a binki in her mouth!  Where had she found it?  I was sure I'd gathered every last one.  I went down to ask her where she had found it.  As I took the binki out of her mouth I suddenly realized it was missing the tip.  That sense of security and comfort was so important to her, and so difficult to give up, that when I went upstairs she had gone into the bathroom and taken it out of the garbage.  Her need for security was so great that she would rather have a broken binki than no binki at all.

Aside from breaking my heart AGAIN, this taught me something important about change.  Even if the change is needed or inevitable, it's still hard to let go.

The concept of letting go sometimes triggers feelings of panic because it sounds so final.  And sometimes it is. But much of letting go is just making room for something else.  We may feel a sense of loss over the things we are putting aside, but inevitably something will come in an fill that void.  It may not be filled in the same way, or even the way we expect, but it will be filled.  Because time heals and has a way of filling in the gaps all on it's own.  

When it comes to navigating the various seasons of life, it may be helpful to view change and transition as evolving, rather than "letting go."  Evolving reminds us the process is about progression, not the ending of something.  This time of my life has been somewhat difficult to accept, but I am choosing to work towards embracing the change rather than resisting it.  My kids may be growing and will soon be moving on, but that doesn't mean that season of my life has to end.  It will always be with me, because the growth I experienced during that time is ingrained in me now.  So really, I'm just setting one part aside to make room for what's next.  

But that doesn't mean I'm not taking some time to adjust.  I've been a little like my toddler, sucking on a binki stub...trying to hold on for as long as I can!  That, my friends, is a little something called denial...but that's a blog post for another day!  

Have a Wonderfully Mediocre Day!

XOXOXOXO

 

When Caring Hurts-Literally!

 

"It is both a BLESSING and a CURSE to feel everything so very deeply."- D.J.

Hello.

My Name is Becky.

And according to the internet and "Psychology Today" (which I'm sure are both super reliable sources...wink, wink) I am an EMPATH.   

No Brad (my brother who loves to tease me when I get all "mental health-ish) I didn't make this up!  It's an actual thing.  Look it up!  😂 It's more or less a term to describe someone who has an overabundance of empathy, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

Sometimes it's incredible.

And sometimes it's...just....hard.

In plain English, an Empath is a fancy label for someone who is an emotional sponge, meaning they don't just relate to other people's feelings, emotions, and moods...they actually absorb them and experience them personally in a very real way.  Let me explain...

When I was twelve I went to the movie theatre with some friends.  The movie we saw was called "My Girl," starring that cute (maybe annoying-depending on your preference) kid from Home Alone, Macaulay Culkin.  Anyone remember this Movie?  I wouldn't call it a cinematic phenomenon, but it quickly became one of my all time favorites.

Without giving too much away (in case someone has a dire need to see a fairly decent, yet mediocre, film from the 90's) the ending is sad.  Not sad like "oh, that was so touching!"  But sad like possible ugly cry sad.  And for a twelve year old girl who was somewhat clueless to her insane tendency towards empathy, it "came in like a wrecking ball" and totally rocked my world!  

For months afterwards I carried that story around in my head...rehashing all the emotions of each characters, taking on the grief and sadness, putting myself in the main characters shoes and thinking about how I would feel in that situation....and on and on and on.  If you're now thinking this doesn't sound like a healthy response to a movie, you're on the right track!  But if you are relating and thinking you've had a similar experience, you might be an empath...and you probably totally get it.

Looking back on that experience, and MANY, many other similar ones throughout my life, I sometimes shake my head and say "Uh, Okay crazy train...it was just a movie (or- insert anything else you can experience second hand) and it didn't actually happen to you.  Snap out of it!"  I mean, who does this kind of thing?

Well, I now know.

An "Empath."

And anyone who can relate to what I'm talking about knows the difference between HAVING empathy and BEING empathy.  It's the difference between having and experiencing.  It's the extreme, and  sometimes unhealthy, version of connecting.  It's compassion on steroids, love in overdrive, and running a marathon in "another man's shoes."  And it presents itself in so many various circumstances.

I have been an unhealthy Empath, and a Healthy one.  I have failed to set up boundaries, burned myself out, and desperately needed a check in with reality.  I've had to learn to identify what is my pain to experience and what is another's to bear.  And I've had to learn how to be there for someone without completely absorbing their "energy."  

It's not all negative...in fact, there are possibly more upsides than down to being an empath.  Being an emotion sponge doesn't just apply to the negative.  It is incredibly rewarding to soak in someone else's joy or happiness, or have the ability to sense when someone is in need and render aid.  It's a beautiful thing to share in the special moments of family and friends in such a unique way.  It makes you appreciate life in a way that is deep and meaningful, and often allows you to connect with others on a level that is far beyond superficial.  And when I talk to people, congratulate them, compliment them, cry with them, mourn with them...I genuinely and wholeheartedly mean it.

But when it's hard, it's really hard.  And I constantly work on trying to help those I care about without allowing myself to dive deep into their "problems" or negative moods.  I have come so far and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries for myself and others.  But I have discovered I do have a kryptonite, which most of us who care deeply about someone do...and for me it's my kids.  

Of course I love sharing in their joy and experiences, but I don't enjoy feeling the pain of seeing them fail, get rejected, or lose faith in themselves.  It can sometimes be emotionally excruciating to watch them experience all the ups and down of life and soak up their heartache and pain.  Breakups, friend troubles, mistakes, disappointments...I often feel that I'm the one experiencing it rather than them.  And for some obscure reason, it seems to hurt more this time around.  

The empath in me would absolutely do it for them if I could.  (I think we all can relate to feeling this way about someone we love). But they are not MY experiences to bear...they are theirs.  And as much as I hate watching (and feeling) them go through hard times, I know it is essential to their growth, and I would never want to take that away from them.  Even if I could I don't think I would stop it because I know it is shaping them into who they need to be.  And me, having this gift or curse of feeling, am also being changed, molded, and shaped into who I am meant to be as well.  

On a very personal and religious note I have come to believe that the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, is an empath too.  Only in a MUCH MORE extreme, holy, and perfected way.  When we talk of the Atonement and we say that Jesus suffered ALL the pain of mankind, I believe part of what allowed Him to do this is empathy.  He experienced our pain in a personal way so that he could have mercy and know how to help us in our times of need.  

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people."

"And he will take upon him death that he may loose the bands of death, which bind his people, and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."  (The Book of Mormon-Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Alma 7:12-13)

I don't believe there is a more selfless, loving, and merciful act in the history of the world that could even come close to this.  I can't even find the words to express the awe I feel for Him who suffered all for the redemption of mankind.  That is the true definition of an empath.

So, in the moments I shake my fist and curse the times I can feel another's pain, I remind myself that there is purpose in all things.  I think being an empath serves a purpose.  For me, it reminds me of the unfathomable sacrifice of a loving Savior.  It reminds me that I am not alone.  And it reminds me, in a very palpable way, just how deeply He cares.  Maybe this blessing and curse is helping me, in a very small way, become a little more like Him.  And if that's the case, I won't wish it away.

As for movies, I think I'm in a better place to be able to watch "My Girl" and not carry around the fictional sorrow for months afterwards.  Now if I could just get my kids to watch it with me.  They have some weird aversion to it because they know it's sad.  

Hmmm....maybe they're empath's too!   Because they are mine, I think there's probably a pretty good chance this is true.  😂  Oh well...

Empath's Unite!  💪💪💪💪

Xoxoxo,

Becky

A Few Thoughts About Expectations

 

Hello Friends!

I am trying to be more consistent with posting because I really need some writing practice.  So I set the expectation for myself that I'm going to do better.  

But the fact is, sometimes I just don't want to do anything.  And so I don't.  And then I feel guilty.  Which is kind of ridiculous for someone who blogs about being okay with imperfection.  Oh the many contradictions of life!

So that is exactly what I wanted to write about today.  Expectations.  I dare say we all have them.  We have numerous expectations daily, mostly without even being aware  Don't believe me?  Let me show you.

Let's take an average day and sift through the many expectations we carry with us on a daily basis.

You wake up in the morning- In order to do this, you EXPECT something or someone to wake you up.  You go to bed expecting your alarm clock that you set will go off, or the person you told to wake you up will remember to do it.

Maybe you take some time to go to the gym, stretch, or exercise- You EXPECT that you will feel better after you do this, or that you will feel good while you are doing it...which is why you do it in the first place.  And you EXPECT that it will improve your health along the way.

You jump in the shower- You EXPECT that when you turn on the hot water, it will actually be hot and your hair will get nice and clean from the shampoo you use.  

Maybe you go to work, or work from home, or work by staying home with kids, or some other type of work- You EXPECT to get results from the work you do.  After all, this is what pushes us to do our work.  You EXPECT something good will come of it, so you sacrifice the time to do it.  

Lunch- You EXPECT that the salad you spent $12.00 on is going to be fresh and taste delicious.

OKAY, I think you get the picture.  Expectations are hidden everywhere.  

Are expectations positive or negative thing?  Do they help or hinder?  Well, I personally think that depends on a few various factors including our temperament, attitude, thought patterns, etc.  Expectations, in a sense, can be BOTH positive and negative.  

The upside of expectations is progress and security.  Example, when we expect things out of ourselves, we can set and meet goals which pushes us to improve and do better.  And when things we expect actually happen as we think they will, we get security from that.  When we do A and we get B every time, or at least most of the time, that creates a sense of security.

The downside of expectations is always the possibility that whatever we are expecting won't actually happen.  And when something we expect and really want doesn't happen, we are met with expectations little sidekick- disappointment. 

 Disappointment gets a bad rep, mostly because it's considered a painful emotion.  But it is a necessary part of life and normal/healthy for us to experience.   Unfortunately, disappointment has many friends who often sneak in while we are dealing with disappointment:  shame, guilt, blame, anger, frustration, judgement, just to name a few.  And before we know it we are dealing with a whole other problem.

I heard someone say once that the root of all anger is unmet expectations.  I have been mulling this thought around in my head for 20 something years now, and I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely true.  Next time you are angry, trace it back to what triggered that anger and there is almost always a hidden expectation that didn't get met somewhere.  When we expect something and it doesn't happen, the disappointment sets in, which leads to another often negative emotion, which then often leads to a negative behavior.

Let's look at an example of this.  I'll use one that happened frequently when I was a young Mom.  I was a stay at home Mom for roughly 14 years.  I have been both a working Mom and a stay at home Mom and I'm here to tell you one is not better or worse than the other.  It is all HARD!  :)  

But during those stay at home years, sometimes Hubby would come home from work and be with the kids while I went somewhere for a few hours.  While I was gone, and without even realizing it,  I would be building up a bunch of expectations in my mind. It usually went something like this:

Hubby is going to have the kids bathed and in bed sleeping when I get home, hubby is going to do the dinner dishes that were left in the sink, hubby is going to do homework with so and so and have their backpack packed for school the next day, hubby is going to see the load of laundry in the dryer and fold it....and on and on.  And sometimes those things happened.  (Not often all at the same time...hahaha!). 

 BUT, more often than not I would get home and the kids would be awake, possibly even running through the house, and the dishes would still be sitting in the sink, and the laundry would still be in the dryer I would feel that familiar reaction of an unmet expectation...disappointment.  Which would immediately trigger an emotion...most likely anger...which would then lead to some negative behavior on my part (most likely directed at poor Hubby who has no idea what he did wrong and feels like he did a great job spending time with the kids) so he now feels unappreciated and confused!  

So the cycle goes something like this: Expectation🠊un-met expectation🠊disappointment🠊negative emotion🠊negative behavior.

Expectation- Hubby will take care of ALL the things while I'm gone, and I don't have to tell him what they are.  He should just know.

Unmet Expectation-  Comes home to a bigger mess and chaos.

Resulting Feeling- Disappointment

Reaction- Anger at hubby and maybe even kids.

Behavior-  Yelling, getting mad, blaming, etc.

This is also completely applicable to the expectations we have of ourselves.  We expect our self to do something, we don't do it, we are disappointed in ourselves, we feel guilty and blame ourselves for being (lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, etc) and that results in the assumption that we are (worthless, bad).  

And all of this because we had an expectation.

I want to suggest 3 possible alternatives for the disappointment, emotions and behavior that accompany these types of situations.

1) Change your Mindset- What does this look like?

Maybe it just means changing the word from expect to hope.  Instead of "I expect the water from the shower to be hot this morning" maybe we switch that out for "I hope the water will be hot."  Expecting and hoping are two different things.  Expecting often means we feel it HAS to happen or absolutely WILL happen.  Hoping gives way for an alternate outcome.  If we hope something will happen, it's almost as if we are saying we know we would like it to happen but it may not, and we will deal with it.

 A failed hope can bring disappointment too, but it is the more forgiving word (and mindset) of the two.  If we tell ourselves "I am going to get that pantry cleaned out this week if it kills me!" and then we don't get it done (for various reasons) we feel much worse than if we say "I really hope I have some time Saturday to clean out the pantry."  It is very similar, but big in the way that it makes us feel.  Our minds want to be a little more forgiving of a failed hope than a failed expectation.

2) Dial down your expectations a notch-   I am not saying here that you should lower your expectations and just settle for the mediocre (although, I'm a big believer in the beauty and value of mediocrity 😃).  I am suggesting that sometimes we set our expectations so high, that they are impossible to meet, which is kind of like setting ourselves and others up for failure.  Setting realistic and attainable expectations is setting ourselves up for success.  Be realistic about your to do list, your own energy levels, your time, others behaviors and thoughts, and your abilities.  Yes, we should always try to be a little better each day.  But a little better looks like spending 10 minutes instead of our regular 5 reading with your kids, not going to the library, checking out 10 books, reading for two hours and acting out the characters of the story complete with costumes and props!  😜 Dial. It. Down.  

3) When it comes to things we expect from others, communicate your expectations with them-   Too often, we assume people can or will read our minds.  If we carry this assumption around, we will OFTEN be disappointed!  It's really not fair of us to expect someone to automatically do something they don't even know we want done.  Communicating our desires and needs with others will save us a lot of misunderstandings and frustration. We can communicate our needs to someone, but always remember they still need to have a choice of whether or not to meet them.  (And that's a conversation for another day!  Haha!)  

If you find that you're experiencing a lot of disapointment or negative emotions in your life, I challenge you to take a survey of your expectations.  By identifying the things we expect and maybe tweaking them a bit to be less intense, we create a much healthier mindset and have healthier reactions to life's disappointments.  

Now, I just HOPE you weren't EXPECTING this to be a really short post...because if you were, you're probably pretty disappointed right now!  :)

Have a Fabulously Mediocre day my friends!  

XOXOXO

The Unspoken Joy and Pain of Motherhood

 

I've been on a social hiatus for a hot minute, so it's been a while since I have written anything here.  I started this blog because I love to write, and blogging provides me with a great way to practice.  Also, sometimes you just have things you want (or need) to say, and writing can be very therapeutic.  And lately I’ve had a lot on my mind and could use some good therapy!  So let me tell you about what led me to this hiatus and what I have discovered along the way.  

My recent decision to take pause came about as I found myself feeling extra overwhelmed by some recent changes that had come into my life.  I started to find myself feeling like....hmm...what's the word I'm looking for....Oh!....A HOT MESS!  Yes, I started to feel like a hot mess of a circus clown decently juggling the 3 or 4 balls I started with and then dropping them all when I was thrown a few more.  I mean, to be completely honest "decently" handling things is being very generous in my wording. It would be more realistic to say I was actually  in survival mode, gutting my way through each day, holding onto a part time job, going to school (online) and working towards my bachelor's degree, raising three teenage girls, holding a time consuming calling in my church, and supporting (again, probably a loose term...hahaha!) a first responder husband with two jobs and a crazy schedule.

Then, my oldest daughter, who graduated from High School last year, turned in her papers to serve an 18 month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Before I knew it she had received her assignment to serve in Richmond,Virginia.   This awakened in me the realization that life as I knew it was going to change.  And not only because she would be leaving for a while, but because this was just the beginning of our immediate family dynamic changing and evolving.  

Meanwhile, some things unexpectedly changed at my work requiring me to be in the office everyday instead of the two days a week I was used to, Ryan got hired on full time at Life flight (in anticipation of him retiring from the Fire Department in March) and was now working two full time jobs, and I had overloaded myself with too many credit hours for my semester in school.  So I did what I usually do when I start to feel like I'm the juggling fool dropping balls every which way...I panicked, dropped ALL the balls, had a little freak out, and spent a couple days crying and eating peanut butter cups.  I know you're jealous of my amazing coping skills...believe me, it's taken me years to perfect them.  (Insert eye roll).

But after I let myself have a couple fall apart moments, I picked up the pieces and went to work putting my life back together.  And as I did that, I came to the realization that what I really needed was a moment to pause and focus on the one thing I felt was clamoring so intently for my attention: Motherhood.

Now, it wasn't that I had abandoned this part of my life or wasn't giving it my attention.  It was simply the realization that I was entering a new season or phase of Motherhood, and that was triggering a trickle down effect that would require some adjusting.   I have been through phases before, as life is a constant evolving journey, but this one was feeling a bit different.  It was my first experience with an adult child preparing to leave home, and it was definitely throwing me a curveball. I eventually embraced the fact that I really needed to figure some things out before I could fully transition into this new phase.  So, instead of clamoring to keep all the balls in the air while ignoring the emotions and feelings that were creeping up along side this change,  I sat back and let it all come in.

Are you familiar with the word "tsunami?"  Well, that's sort of what it was like at first.  A tsunami of emotion sweeping in and threatening to destroy all within it's path! 

 But as I regained my bearings, I came to embrace this reoccurring truth that has accompanied each phase and stage of Motherhood I have experienced over the years...and it’s the truth that there is a very unique joy and pain that comes with being a Mother.  And it’s not something we speak much about.  Maybe because it's difficult to put into words, or maybe because it comes in moments and isn't as constant and easy to identify as dirty diapers, rides to school, and midnight feedings.  But nevertheless, it is there.  And sometimes it demands we acknowledge it's presence.

It may seem counterintuitive to mention both  joy and pain within the same sentence.  But if you have ever experienced something like sending a child off to Kindergarten or grade school for the first time, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  In that moment of transition and growth, both joy AND pain exist within the same space, at the same time.  You are so excited for them to go off and learn, and you feel the joy of seeing them mature and progress.  And yet, in that same moment, you feel pain...the pain that accompanies even the slightest bit of letting go and the inevitable changes that will follow. 

And the joy is indescribable, and the pain is particularly deep.

And, it’s something I was fully unprepared for when I became a Mom.  

When expecting each of my babies, I read books and articles about how to mold and care for the little people that would soon be coming into our home.  I learned all about things such as breastfeeding and diaper rashes, when to introduce solid foods, and how to help diffuse a school bully.  But one thing I didn't learn or anticipate, until I began to experience it of course, is the inevitable joy and pain of learning to let go.  

Knowing how to let go, or stepping back to allow our children to fly or fall , is just as crucial as knowing how to change a diaper or nurse a sick child.  And yet, we don't always address it like we do the many other necessities of Mothering.  How important it is to recognize that these tiny humans who enter our lives and take over our hearts, eventually become full grown humans who will embrace their individualities and embark on a journey of their own...without us standing right next to them.  If we have learned the art of loving, while letting go, they will soar through the ups and down of life, and we will continue to feel the familiar cadence of joy and pain that continually flow in the heart of a Mother.

And again, the joy will be indescribable and the pain will be particularly deep.

So, as I prepare for my first child to "leave the nest" for a time, I reflect on the many joy and pain filled experiences  that have led us to this point.  We have been together through highs and lows, good days and bad days, and everything in between.  But taking the time I needed to process this current change in my life has allowed me some clarity to see the beauty of it all.  It is often within these moments of intense joy and pain that we experience the most growth.  While they are growing and progressing, we are doing the same.  And that is the glorious cycle of parenthood.  

Pausing, reassessing, and allowing this change to take place in my life has given me renewed perspective and peace.  I have come to accept that the unspoken joy and pain behind every milestone and transition in Motherhood will always be there.  But we can rejoice in the fact that through these experiences, we discover who we are, what we are made of and who we are meant to be.  

Joy and pain coexist to give us the richest experiences life can provide.  We just need to be willing, during the transitions of life, to let the tsunami come and bring with it a new phase of indescribable joy, intense pain, and beautiful new pathways to discover.  

And then, because we are Mothers, we need to pick up those balls and keep juggling!  

Into the Unknown....

 

If you are a lover of all things Disney, you will be very familiar with the song from Frozen 2- "Into the Unknown,"

And if you live in a house with children who love all things Disney....AND love musicals....AND love to sing, you will be VERY familiar with this song. 

In fact, if this is the case, you might be so familiar with this song that you may feel that you don't ever need to hear it again...because it has been sung over and over again in your presence...and the first impression you had of the song (that it would never get old) has proven to be a big fat lie!  

THAT is indeed where I am.  

But I have to admit, despite my complete and utter loathing for this once beloved song, I may have sang it in my head this morning as my children headed out the door to school...you know....into the unknown.

I had a moment last week, after reading all the inspirational and encouraging messages on Facebook about school and mask wearing (said with heavy sarcasm), where I wondered if it was really the right thing to send them back.  For me, this moment didn't have much to do with masks, or political statements, or conspiracy theories, or even my lack of wanting to be responsible for home school.  And as much as I hate the idea of our amazing teachers feeling unsafe and forced to teach in uncertain circumstances, this pause was not about that.  

This particular pause was about uncertainty...which caused me to feel that all too familiar rush of anxiety.  You know, that little voice that takes over the rational part of your brain and starts saying "What if???"

And I realized pretty quickly that this wasn't just the normal "Back to School" anxiety I usually feel for a moment before school starts.  This was the uncertainty and anxiety that accompanies sending children back to school in the middle of a pandemic...which is pretty new for all of us, right?  

But I have come to understand that for me, the circumstances of the world right now are not really about fear.  I don't necessarily feel incredibly afraid, although I think that is definitely a part of it all. I have personally chosen to try to keep fear in check...

Sorry Fear...it's not about you today!

I believe the uncertainty I feel is coming from change.  Change is a tricky one.  It can be good, or it can be bad.  OR, if that wasn't confusing enough, it can be both good and bad at the same time!  No wonder change can be so difficult.  But this year's theme has been change.  And a lot has changed all at once, which  has left many of us feeling disoriented...kind of like when we were kids and went to a Birthday party with a piniata.  You know, you would be blindfolded and then spun around and around before being turned loose with a giant stick.  (Ummm....how is this is a children's game?)  I have to admit I liked this one better than pin the tail on the donkey though...I mean, who came up with that one?  "Gather round children...I'm going to cover your eyes so you can't see, spin you around until you're dizzy and can barely walk, and then set you loose to tape a tail to a donkey's butt."  You get my point...

ANYWAY, back to the pinata.  Disoriented!  That is how I have been feeling among all this change.  And you know what often accompanies disorientation?  You got it, Fear!

Well look at that, Fear!  It did end up being about you after all!

The bottom line is we are experiencing significant changes in world that has felt very secure and structured for some time now.  And it's causing us to feel disoriented and afraid.  But guess what...that is all very normal.  And not only is it normal...it's totally ok!  When we are faced with change we have to find a new normal that helps us feel secure again.  AND, we have to work through our feelings of anxiety as they come, because they will.  

One of the best ways I have found to work through feelings of fear in the midst of instability is what I like to call the "rubber band" technique.  When you think of a rubber band, you automatically think flexibility, right? And it is definitely important to learn how to be flexible...although this is easier said than done (especially when you are feeling anything but flexible.)  But there is so much more to a rubber band than the ability to bend.  A rubber band is great at holding things together and keeping things securely in place.  What are some things we can work on  "holding together" and "securing in place" during times of fear and change?

What about our families?  Our friends?  The relationships we have with others?

How about our physical health?  The ability to have a body that works well and feels good.

What about our negative perceptions and attitudes?  Is it possible to secure them in place and keep them bound so they don't run havoc through our minds and words to others?

What about our faith?  Our beliefs?  Our Integrity?  How can we secure these things in our hearts so they can be anchors in our times of trouble?

And what how about hope?  Can we hold together a hope in future days?  Hope that things can and will get better?  Hope that we can adapt and overcome?  

When we focus on being flexible, adaptable, holding things together, and securing things in place, it becomes easier to overcome fear of the unknown and the anxiety of change.  Change can often be necessary, and good!  Even when it may look like it's not.  Many of us would question being able to find good among the circumstances of this pandemic we are experiencing...but it always depends on how you look at it...as shown in this fabulous video clip.

So, as we go out "Into the Unknown," and face new challenges, may we strive to evolve through our fears of change and uncertainty.  I am a true believer that things work out, and regardless of the challenges we may face, I truly believe they will.  And as they do, we can focus on bigger issues...

Like figuring out why it never occurred to us as kids that Pin the Tail on the Donkey is kind of a creepy game...Maybe that's why we all need therapy!  

Who knew?

Have a wonderfully, mediocre week my friends!

Becky

XOXOXO

The Elephant in the Room

 

Can we please talk about the 

elephant in the room?

Is it just me, or has anyone else been feeling like there's a lot of contention going on lately?  Can we talk about what I feel may be contributing to this contention?  It really is the elephant in the room that no one seems to want to discuss.  

But I like rooms, and I like elephants, so I figure what's the big deal, right? 

So,I recently had a conversation that changed the way I have been thinking.  This conversation was about how difficult it can be to make decisions during this interesting time we find ourselves living in. There's a lot of confusion out there, and with all the differing opinions available to us, it can be really challenging to make choices. This is true even when it comes to what once would have been a simple insignificant choice.  For example, Simply stating you are planning on making a trip to the store can trigger a slew of differing reactions from people.

I know you're familiar with what I'm talking about here.  We've all seen it.  The varying circumstances of our world and society have created this unique situation where our conversations with others, posts on social media, and the ongoing narrative between news outlets leaves us scratching our heads in confusion. We often find ourselves forming an opinion, but how can we not?  We are hard-wired to use discernment in all situations.  

But let's be honest...that's not the issue here.  The elephant in the room that no one really wants to confront is division...particularly the division that results from choosing a "side" and then taking a stand. The differing opinions on all sides of the issues we face on the daily can easily cause division...which then leads to contention.

In the midst of the challenges we are facing as a nation and country right now, we find ourselves constantly coming to a fork in the road where we need to make a choice based on what we know and believe. This is nothing new...it's actually the hallmark of America.  We're free to make choices, and free to choose differently from another.

But lately, something has shifted in this inspired dynamic people are finding themselves in conflict with others because of differing opinions and choices. And sometimes these differences can create problems in our relationships and with those we love and respect.

I don't think we mean for this to happen.  We feel so passionately about an issue that when someone feels the opposite, it can create strong feelings of frustration. I believe that this is often the result of Putting Passion before principle. Allow me to explain:

My hubby and I had "date night" in the living room the other night. How did we accomplish this with kids at home?  Great question! 

It began with us and the kids all lounging on the couch and deciding we wanted to watch a movie. Ryan and I insist on being the ones to choose the movie this time, which often ends up being some "old" movie from the (*gasp) 80's or 90's. This clears the room quickly and the hubs and I are suddenly left alone with the remote and the popcorn.  Whamo!  Date night!  

So we decided to watch a great 80's classic, "The Karate Kid." We spent much of the movie quoting our favorite lines as they came on ("Show me, Sand the floor!")  My hubby, Ryan, prefers the line during the ending fight scene when Johnny's ANNOYING little friend (who actually looks a lot like a rat) yells from the sidelines "Get him a body bag!" and then does this ear-piercing rat-like chuckle (See clip below.

Unfortunately, Ryan has mastered this line, complete with the annoying laugh, and likes to say it over and over and over again. (This helped with the clearing of the room before the show started as well). But it eventually grew on me, and by the end we were both saying it to see who could do it better. (You know you want to say it now too!)

Anyway, this movie night resulted in me wanting to watch the second Karate Kid movie, which I did the next night when Ry was at work.  While this night was much less entertaining (because Ryan wasn't home of course) I noticed a Mr. Miyagi phrase that really had an impact on me:

Ah, Mr. Miyagi...so full of wisdom and truth! We all need a little more Miyagi in our lives...

So, this got me thinking.  How often do we act, or rather react, out of passion rather than focusing on the principle?  When we feel passionate about something, it triggers strong emotions, and often we let those emotions lead out.  When we do this, we can act impulsively and say or do things we might not otherwise say, which takes away from the principle we feel so strongly about in the first place.  It would be much more effective in our interactions with others if we learn to take the emotion out (as much as possible) and focus on the principle.  When we do this we are using the logical part of our brain rather than the emotional part, and it helps to really understand what is being said.  And we might discover that we agree a lot more than we disagree. 

As many of you know, I'm a religious person and the beliefs I have often affect the way I look at things. As I was thinking about differing opinions and conflict, I thought about this video clip that comes from a talk given by a religious leader in my faith (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  In this clip, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf uses a story about an elephant to explain how truth can often get mixed up with perception.

I love the elephant story in this! Notice how all the men were describing their truth according to their own experience.  And they each thought they were "right" and the others were wrong.  BUT THEY WERE ALL RIGHT. Thinking of this helped me to understand that much of the contention and differing opinions among us are due to "what part of the elephant" we are touching...our own personal experiences. We may not see the truth in someone else's opinion because we are busy focusing on what WE know, rather than considering what we might NOT know.

So here's what I hope, and here's what I'm going to try.  The next time I'm having a conversation with someone who has a differing opinion, I'm going to take a step back and try to understand what part of the elephant they are touching and where their opinion is coming from. Then I'm going give them the space to believe that truth.  I will be respectful and not discount their opinion based on mine, because they may know something that I don't.  And my hope is that by doing this, it will cause less division among us as neighbors, family members, and friends.  Because the division is what hurts us the most.  

What would my good friend Mr. Miyagi have to say about this?

“To make honey, young bee need young flower, not old prune.” – Mr. Miyagi

Actually, that has absolutely nothing to do with this conversation, but I just wanted to see who is listening.  Ha!  

But really, I think this bit of advice is a good one to follow:

“Don’t forget to breathe, very important.” – Mr. Miyagi

Let's all just breathe...

XOXOXO

Becky

PS....

Mr. Miyagi approves this message....

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