"It is both a BLESSING and a CURSE to feel everything so very deeply."- D.J.
Hello.
My Name is Becky.
And according to the internet and "Psychology Today" (which I'm sure are both super reliable sources...wink, wink) I am an EMPATH.
No Brad (my brother who loves to tease me when I get all "mental health-ish) I didn't make this up! It's an actual thing. Look it up! 😂 It's more or less a term to describe someone who has an overabundance of empathy, which can be both a blessing and a curse.
Sometimes it's incredible.
And sometimes it's...just....hard.
In plain English, an Empath is a fancy label for someone who is an emotional sponge, meaning they don't just relate to other people's feelings, emotions, and moods...they actually absorb them and experience them personally in a very real way. Let me explain...
When I was twelve I went to the movie theatre with some friends. The movie we saw was called "My Girl," starring that cute (maybe annoying-depending on your preference) kid from Home Alone, Macaulay Culkin. Anyone remember this Movie? I wouldn't call it a cinematic phenomenon, but it quickly became one of my all time favorites.
For months afterwards I carried that story around in my head...rehashing all the emotions of each characters, taking on the grief and sadness, putting myself in the main characters shoes and thinking about how I would feel in that situation....and on and on and on. If you're now thinking this doesn't sound like a healthy response to a movie, you're on the right track! But if you are relating and thinking you've had a similar experience, you might be an empath...and you probably totally get it.
Looking back on that experience, and MANY, many other similar ones throughout my life, I sometimes shake my head and say "Uh, Okay crazy train...it was just a movie (or- insert anything else you can experience second hand) and it didn't actually happen to you. Snap out of it!" I mean, who does this kind of thing?
Well, I now know.
An "Empath."
And anyone who can relate to what I'm talking about knows the difference between HAVING empathy and BEING empathy. It's the difference between having and experiencing. It's the extreme, and sometimes unhealthy, version of connecting. It's compassion on steroids, love in overdrive, and running a marathon in "another man's shoes." And it presents itself in so many various circumstances.
I have been an unhealthy Empath, and a Healthy one. I have failed to set up boundaries, burned myself out, and desperately needed a check in with reality. I've had to learn to identify what is my pain to experience and what is another's to bear. And I've had to learn how to be there for someone without completely absorbing their "energy."
It's not all negative...in fact, there are possibly more upsides than down to being an empath. Being an emotion sponge doesn't just apply to the negative. It is incredibly rewarding to soak in someone else's joy or happiness, or have the ability to sense when someone is in need and render aid. It's a beautiful thing to share in the special moments of family and friends in such a unique way. It makes you appreciate life in a way that is deep and meaningful, and often allows you to connect with others on a level that is far beyond superficial. And when I talk to people, congratulate them, compliment them, cry with them, mourn with them...I genuinely and wholeheartedly mean it.
But when it's hard, it's really hard. And I constantly work on trying to help those I care about without allowing myself to dive deep into their "problems" or negative moods. I have come so far and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries for myself and others. But I have discovered I do have a kryptonite, which most of us who care deeply about someone do...and for me it's my kids.
Of course I love sharing in their joy and experiences, but I don't enjoy feeling the pain of seeing them fail, get rejected, or lose faith in themselves. It can sometimes be emotionally excruciating to watch them experience all the ups and down of life and soak up their heartache and pain. Breakups, friend troubles, mistakes, disappointments...I often feel that I'm the one experiencing it rather than them. And for some obscure reason, it seems to hurt more this time around.
The empath in me would absolutely do it for them if I could. (I think we all can relate to feeling this way about someone we love). But they are not MY experiences to bear...they are theirs. And as much as I hate watching (and feeling) them go through hard times, I know it is essential to their growth, and I would never want to take that away from them. Even if I could I don't think I would stop it because I know it is shaping them into who they need to be. And me, having this gift or curse of feeling, am also being changed, molded, and shaped into who I am meant to be as well.
On a very personal and religious note I have come to believe that the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, is an empath too. Only in a MUCH MORE extreme, holy, and perfected way. When we talk of the Atonement and we say that Jesus suffered ALL the pain of mankind, I believe part of what allowed Him to do this is empathy. He experienced our pain in a personal way so that he could have mercy and know how to help us in our times of need.
"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people."
"And he will take upon him death that he may loose the bands of death, which bind his people, and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (The Book of Mormon-Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Alma 7:12-13)
I don't believe there is a more selfless, loving, and merciful act in the history of the world that could even come close to this. I can't even find the words to express the awe I feel for Him who suffered all for the redemption of mankind. That is the true definition of an empath.
So, in the moments I shake my fist and curse the times I can feel another's pain, I remind myself that there is purpose in all things. I think being an empath serves a purpose. For me, it reminds me of the unfathomable sacrifice of a loving Savior. It reminds me that I am not alone. And it reminds me, in a very palpable way, just how deeply He cares. Maybe this blessing and curse is helping me, in a very small way, become a little more like Him. And if that's the case, I won't wish it away.
As for movies, I think I'm in a better place to be able to watch "My Girl" and not carry around the fictional sorrow for months afterwards. Now if I could just get my kids to watch it with me. They have some weird aversion to it because they know it's sad.
Hmmm....maybe they're empath's too! Because they are mine, I think there's probably a pretty good chance this is true. 😂 Oh well...
Empath's Unite! 💪💪💪💪
Xoxoxo,
Becky