Hello Friends!
I am trying to be more consistent with posting because I really need some writing practice. So I set the expectation for myself that I'm going to do better.
But the fact is, sometimes I just don't want to do anything. And so I don't. And then I feel guilty. Which is kind of ridiculous for someone who blogs about being okay with imperfection. Oh the many contradictions of life!
So that is exactly what I wanted to write about today. Expectations. I dare say we all have them. We have numerous expectations daily, mostly without even being aware Don't believe me? Let me show you.
Let's take an average day and sift through the many expectations we carry with us on a daily basis.
You wake up in the morning- In order to do this, you EXPECT something or someone to wake you up. You go to bed expecting your alarm clock that you set will go off, or the person you told to wake you up will remember to do it.
Maybe you take some time to go to the gym, stretch, or exercise- You EXPECT that you will feel better after you do this, or that you will feel good while you are doing it...which is why you do it in the first place. And you EXPECT that it will improve your health along the way.
You jump in the shower- You EXPECT that when you turn on the hot water, it will actually be hot and your hair will get nice and clean from the shampoo you use.
Maybe you go to work, or work from home, or work by staying home with kids, or some other type of work- You EXPECT to get results from the work you do. After all, this is what pushes us to do our work. You EXPECT something good will come of it, so you sacrifice the time to do it.
Lunch- You EXPECT that the salad you spent $12.00 on is going to be fresh and taste delicious.
OKAY, I think you get the picture. Expectations are hidden everywhere.
Are expectations positive or negative thing? Do they help or hinder? Well, I personally think that depends on a few various factors including our temperament, attitude, thought patterns, etc. Expectations, in a sense, can be BOTH positive and negative.
The upside of expectations is progress and security. Example, when we expect things out of ourselves, we can set and meet goals which pushes us to improve and do better. And when things we expect actually happen as we think they will, we get security from that. When we do A and we get B every time, or at least most of the time, that creates a sense of security.
The downside of expectations is always the possibility that whatever we are expecting won't actually happen. And when something we expect and really want doesn't happen, we are met with expectations little sidekick- disappointment.
Disappointment gets a bad rep, mostly because it's considered a painful emotion. But it is a necessary part of life and normal/healthy for us to experience. Unfortunately, disappointment has many friends who often sneak in while we are dealing with disappointment: shame, guilt, blame, anger, frustration, judgement, just to name a few. And before we know it we are dealing with a whole other problem.
I heard someone say once that the root of all anger is unmet expectations. I have been mulling this thought around in my head for 20 something years now, and I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely true. Next time you are angry, trace it back to what triggered that anger and there is almost always a hidden expectation that didn't get met somewhere. When we expect something and it doesn't happen, the disappointment sets in, which leads to another often negative emotion, which then often leads to a negative behavior.
Let's look at an example of this. I'll use one that happened frequently when I was a young Mom. I was a stay at home Mom for roughly 14 years. I have been both a working Mom and a stay at home Mom and I'm here to tell you one is not better or worse than the other. It is all HARD! :)
But during those stay at home years, sometimes Hubby would come home from work and be with the kids while I went somewhere for a few hours. While I was gone, and without even realizing it, I would be building up a bunch of expectations in my mind. It usually went something like this:
Hubby is going to have the kids bathed and in bed sleeping when I get home, hubby is going to do the dinner dishes that were left in the sink, hubby is going to do homework with so and so and have their backpack packed for school the next day, hubby is going to see the load of laundry in the dryer and fold it....and on and on. And sometimes those things happened. (Not often all at the same time...hahaha!).
BUT, more often than not I would get home and the kids would be awake, possibly even running through the house, and the dishes would still be sitting in the sink, and the laundry would still be in the dryer I would feel that familiar reaction of an unmet expectation...disappointment. Which would immediately trigger an emotion...most likely anger...which would then lead to some negative behavior on my part (most likely directed at poor Hubby who has no idea what he did wrong and feels like he did a great job spending time with the kids) so he now feels unappreciated and confused!
So the cycle goes something like this: Expectation🠊un-met expectation🠊disappointment🠊negative emotion🠊negative behavior.
Expectation- Hubby will take care of ALL the things while I'm gone, and I don't have to tell him what they are. He should just know.
Unmet Expectation- Comes home to a bigger mess and chaos.
Resulting Feeling- Disappointment
Reaction- Anger at hubby and maybe even kids.
Behavior- Yelling, getting mad, blaming, etc.
This is also completely applicable to the expectations we have of ourselves. We expect our self to do something, we don't do it, we are disappointed in ourselves, we feel guilty and blame ourselves for being (lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, etc) and that results in the assumption that we are (worthless, bad).
And all of this because we had an expectation.
I want to suggest 3 possible alternatives for the disappointment, emotions and behavior that accompany these types of situations.
1) Change your Mindset- What does this look like?
Maybe it just means changing the word from expect to hope. Instead of "I expect the water from the shower to be hot this morning" maybe we switch that out for "I hope the water will be hot." Expecting and hoping are two different things. Expecting often means we feel it HAS to happen or absolutely WILL happen. Hoping gives way for an alternate outcome. If we hope something will happen, it's almost as if we are saying we know we would like it to happen but it may not, and we will deal with it.
A failed hope can bring disappointment too, but it is the more forgiving word (and mindset) of the two. If we tell ourselves "I am going to get that pantry cleaned out this week if it kills me!" and then we don't get it done (for various reasons) we feel much worse than if we say "I really hope I have some time Saturday to clean out the pantry." It is very similar, but big in the way that it makes us feel. Our minds want to be a little more forgiving of a failed hope than a failed expectation.
2) Dial down your expectations a notch- I am not saying here that you should lower your expectations and just settle for the mediocre (although, I'm a big believer in the beauty and value of mediocrity 😃). I am suggesting that sometimes we set our expectations so high, that they are impossible to meet, which is kind of like setting ourselves and others up for failure. Setting realistic and attainable expectations is setting ourselves up for success. Be realistic about your to do list, your own energy levels, your time, others behaviors and thoughts, and your abilities. Yes, we should always try to be a little better each day. But a little better looks like spending 10 minutes instead of our regular 5 reading with your kids, not going to the library, checking out 10 books, reading for two hours and acting out the characters of the story complete with costumes and props! 😜 Dial. It. Down.
3) When it comes to things we expect from others, communicate your expectations with them- Too often, we assume people can or will read our minds. If we carry this assumption around, we will OFTEN be disappointed! It's really not fair of us to expect someone to automatically do something they don't even know we want done. Communicating our desires and needs with others will save us a lot of misunderstandings and frustration. We can communicate our needs to someone, but always remember they still need to have a choice of whether or not to meet them. (And that's a conversation for another day! Haha!)
If you find that you're experiencing a lot of disapointment or negative emotions in your life, I challenge you to take a survey of your expectations. By identifying the things we expect and maybe tweaking them a bit to be less intense, we create a much healthier mindset and have healthier reactions to life's disappointments.
Now, I just HOPE you weren't EXPECTING this to be a really short post...because if you were, you're probably pretty disappointed right now! :)
Have a Fabulously Mediocre day my friends!
XOXOXO
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