I've been on a social hiatus for a hot minute, so it's been a while since I have written anything here. I started this blog because I love to write, and blogging provides me with a great way to practice. Also, sometimes you just have things you want (or need) to say, and writing can be very therapeutic. And lately I’ve had a lot on my mind and could use some good therapy! So let me tell you about what led me to this hiatus and what I have discovered along the way.
My recent decision to take pause came about as I found myself feeling extra overwhelmed by some recent changes that had come into my life. I started to find myself feeling like....hmm...what's the word I'm looking for....Oh!....A HOT MESS! Yes, I started to feel like a hot mess of a circus clown decently juggling the 3 or 4 balls I started with and then dropping them all when I was thrown a few more. I mean, to be completely honest "decently" handling things is being very generous in my wording. It would be more realistic to say I was actually in survival mode, gutting my way through each day, holding onto a part time job, going to school (online) and working towards my bachelor's degree, raising three teenage girls, holding a time consuming calling in my church, and supporting (again, probably a loose term...hahaha!) a first responder husband with two jobs and a crazy schedule.
Then, my oldest daughter, who graduated from High School last year, turned in her papers to serve an 18 month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Before I knew it she had received her assignment to serve in Richmond,Virginia. This awakened in me the realization that life as I knew it was going to change. And not only because she would be leaving for a while, but because this was just the beginning of our immediate family dynamic changing and evolving.
Meanwhile, some things unexpectedly changed at my work requiring me to be in the office everyday instead of the two days a week I was used to, Ryan got hired on full time at Life flight (in anticipation of him retiring from the Fire Department in March) and was now working two full time jobs, and I had overloaded myself with too many credit hours for my semester in school. So I did what I usually do when I start to feel like I'm the juggling fool dropping balls every which way...I panicked, dropped ALL the balls, had a little freak out, and spent a couple days crying and eating peanut butter cups. I know you're jealous of my amazing coping skills...believe me, it's taken me years to perfect them. (Insert eye roll).
But after I let myself have a couple fall apart moments, I picked up the pieces and went to work putting my life back together. And as I did that, I came to the realization that what I really needed was a moment to pause and focus on the one thing I felt was clamoring so intently for my attention: Motherhood.
Now, it wasn't that I had abandoned this part of my life or wasn't giving it my attention. It was simply the realization that I was entering a new season or phase of Motherhood, and that was triggering a trickle down effect that would require some adjusting. I have been through phases before, as life is a constant evolving journey, but this one was feeling a bit different. It was my first experience with an adult child preparing to leave home, and it was definitely throwing me a curveball. I eventually embraced the fact that I really needed to figure some things out before I could fully transition into this new phase. So, instead of clamoring to keep all the balls in the air while ignoring the emotions and feelings that were creeping up along side this change, I sat back and let it all come in.
Are you familiar with the word "tsunami?" Well, that's sort of what it was like at first. A tsunami of emotion sweeping in and threatening to destroy all within it's path!
But as I regained my bearings, I came to embrace this reoccurring truth that has accompanied each phase and stage of Motherhood I have experienced over the years...and it’s the truth that there is a very unique joy and pain that comes with being a Mother. And it’s not something we speak much about. Maybe because it's difficult to put into words, or maybe because it comes in moments and isn't as constant and easy to identify as dirty diapers, rides to school, and midnight feedings. But nevertheless, it is there. And sometimes it demands we acknowledge it's presence.
It may seem counterintuitive to mention both joy and pain within the same sentence. But if you have ever experienced something like sending a child off to Kindergarten or grade school for the first time, you know exactly what I'm talking about. In that moment of transition and growth, both joy AND pain exist within the same space, at the same time. You are so excited for them to go off and learn, and you feel the joy of seeing them mature and progress. And yet, in that same moment, you feel pain...the pain that accompanies even the slightest bit of letting go and the inevitable changes that will follow.
And the joy is indescribable, and the pain is particularly deep.
And, it’s something I was fully unprepared for when I became a Mom.
When expecting each of my babies, I read books and articles about how to mold and care for the little people that would soon be coming into our home. I learned all about things such as breastfeeding and diaper rashes, when to introduce solid foods, and how to help diffuse a school bully. But one thing I didn't learn or anticipate, until I began to experience it of course, is the inevitable joy and pain of learning to let go.
Knowing how to let go, or stepping back to allow our children to fly or fall , is just as crucial as knowing how to change a diaper or nurse a sick child. And yet, we don't always address it like we do the many other necessities of Mothering. How important it is to recognize that these tiny humans who enter our lives and take over our hearts, eventually become full grown humans who will embrace their individualities and embark on a journey of their own...without us standing right next to them. If we have learned the art of loving, while letting go, they will soar through the ups and down of life, and we will continue to feel the familiar cadence of joy and pain that continually flow in the heart of a Mother.
And again, the joy will be indescribable and the pain will be particularly deep.
So, as I prepare for my first child to "leave the nest" for a time, I reflect on the many joy and pain filled experiences that have led us to this point. We have been together through highs and lows, good days and bad days, and everything in between. But taking the time I needed to process this current change in my life has allowed me some clarity to see the beauty of it all. It is often within these moments of intense joy and pain that we experience the most growth. While they are growing and progressing, we are doing the same. And that is the glorious cycle of parenthood.
Pausing, reassessing, and allowing this change to take place in my life has given me renewed perspective and peace. I have come to accept that the unspoken joy and pain behind every milestone and transition in Motherhood will always be there. But we can rejoice in the fact that through these experiences, we discover who we are, what we are made of and who we are meant to be.
Joy and pain coexist to give us the richest experiences life can provide. We just need to be willing, during the transitions of life, to let the tsunami come and bring with it a new phase of indescribable joy, intense pain, and beautiful new pathways to discover.
And then, because we are Mothers, we need to pick up those balls and keep juggling!
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