A Few Thoughts About Expectations

 

Hello Friends!

I am trying to be more consistent with posting because I really need some writing practice.  So I set the expectation for myself that I'm going to do better.  

But the fact is, sometimes I just don't want to do anything.  And so I don't.  And then I feel guilty.  Which is kind of ridiculous for someone who blogs about being okay with imperfection.  Oh the many contradictions of life!

So that is exactly what I wanted to write about today.  Expectations.  I dare say we all have them.  We have numerous expectations daily, mostly without even being aware  Don't believe me?  Let me show you.

Let's take an average day and sift through the many expectations we carry with us on a daily basis.

You wake up in the morning- In order to do this, you EXPECT something or someone to wake you up.  You go to bed expecting your alarm clock that you set will go off, or the person you told to wake you up will remember to do it.

Maybe you take some time to go to the gym, stretch, or exercise- You EXPECT that you will feel better after you do this, or that you will feel good while you are doing it...which is why you do it in the first place.  And you EXPECT that it will improve your health along the way.

You jump in the shower- You EXPECT that when you turn on the hot water, it will actually be hot and your hair will get nice and clean from the shampoo you use.  

Maybe you go to work, or work from home, or work by staying home with kids, or some other type of work- You EXPECT to get results from the work you do.  After all, this is what pushes us to do our work.  You EXPECT something good will come of it, so you sacrifice the time to do it.  

Lunch- You EXPECT that the salad you spent $12.00 on is going to be fresh and taste delicious.

OKAY, I think you get the picture.  Expectations are hidden everywhere.  

Are expectations positive or negative thing?  Do they help or hinder?  Well, I personally think that depends on a few various factors including our temperament, attitude, thought patterns, etc.  Expectations, in a sense, can be BOTH positive and negative.  

The upside of expectations is progress and security.  Example, when we expect things out of ourselves, we can set and meet goals which pushes us to improve and do better.  And when things we expect actually happen as we think they will, we get security from that.  When we do A and we get B every time, or at least most of the time, that creates a sense of security.

The downside of expectations is always the possibility that whatever we are expecting won't actually happen.  And when something we expect and really want doesn't happen, we are met with expectations little sidekick- disappointment. 

 Disappointment gets a bad rep, mostly because it's considered a painful emotion.  But it is a necessary part of life and normal/healthy for us to experience.   Unfortunately, disappointment has many friends who often sneak in while we are dealing with disappointment:  shame, guilt, blame, anger, frustration, judgement, just to name a few.  And before we know it we are dealing with a whole other problem.

I heard someone say once that the root of all anger is unmet expectations.  I have been mulling this thought around in my head for 20 something years now, and I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely true.  Next time you are angry, trace it back to what triggered that anger and there is almost always a hidden expectation that didn't get met somewhere.  When we expect something and it doesn't happen, the disappointment sets in, which leads to another often negative emotion, which then often leads to a negative behavior.

Let's look at an example of this.  I'll use one that happened frequently when I was a young Mom.  I was a stay at home Mom for roughly 14 years.  I have been both a working Mom and a stay at home Mom and I'm here to tell you one is not better or worse than the other.  It is all HARD!  :)  

But during those stay at home years, sometimes Hubby would come home from work and be with the kids while I went somewhere for a few hours.  While I was gone, and without even realizing it,  I would be building up a bunch of expectations in my mind. It usually went something like this:

Hubby is going to have the kids bathed and in bed sleeping when I get home, hubby is going to do the dinner dishes that were left in the sink, hubby is going to do homework with so and so and have their backpack packed for school the next day, hubby is going to see the load of laundry in the dryer and fold it....and on and on.  And sometimes those things happened.  (Not often all at the same time...hahaha!). 

 BUT, more often than not I would get home and the kids would be awake, possibly even running through the house, and the dishes would still be sitting in the sink, and the laundry would still be in the dryer I would feel that familiar reaction of an unmet expectation...disappointment.  Which would immediately trigger an emotion...most likely anger...which would then lead to some negative behavior on my part (most likely directed at poor Hubby who has no idea what he did wrong and feels like he did a great job spending time with the kids) so he now feels unappreciated and confused!  

So the cycle goes something like this: Expectation🠊un-met expectation🠊disappointment🠊negative emotion🠊negative behavior.

Expectation- Hubby will take care of ALL the things while I'm gone, and I don't have to tell him what they are.  He should just know.

Unmet Expectation-  Comes home to a bigger mess and chaos.

Resulting Feeling- Disappointment

Reaction- Anger at hubby and maybe even kids.

Behavior-  Yelling, getting mad, blaming, etc.

This is also completely applicable to the expectations we have of ourselves.  We expect our self to do something, we don't do it, we are disappointed in ourselves, we feel guilty and blame ourselves for being (lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, etc) and that results in the assumption that we are (worthless, bad).  

And all of this because we had an expectation.

I want to suggest 3 possible alternatives for the disappointment, emotions and behavior that accompany these types of situations.

1) Change your Mindset- What does this look like?

Maybe it just means changing the word from expect to hope.  Instead of "I expect the water from the shower to be hot this morning" maybe we switch that out for "I hope the water will be hot."  Expecting and hoping are two different things.  Expecting often means we feel it HAS to happen or absolutely WILL happen.  Hoping gives way for an alternate outcome.  If we hope something will happen, it's almost as if we are saying we know we would like it to happen but it may not, and we will deal with it.

 A failed hope can bring disappointment too, but it is the more forgiving word (and mindset) of the two.  If we tell ourselves "I am going to get that pantry cleaned out this week if it kills me!" and then we don't get it done (for various reasons) we feel much worse than if we say "I really hope I have some time Saturday to clean out the pantry."  It is very similar, but big in the way that it makes us feel.  Our minds want to be a little more forgiving of a failed hope than a failed expectation.

2) Dial down your expectations a notch-   I am not saying here that you should lower your expectations and just settle for the mediocre (although, I'm a big believer in the beauty and value of mediocrity 😃).  I am suggesting that sometimes we set our expectations so high, that they are impossible to meet, which is kind of like setting ourselves and others up for failure.  Setting realistic and attainable expectations is setting ourselves up for success.  Be realistic about your to do list, your own energy levels, your time, others behaviors and thoughts, and your abilities.  Yes, we should always try to be a little better each day.  But a little better looks like spending 10 minutes instead of our regular 5 reading with your kids, not going to the library, checking out 10 books, reading for two hours and acting out the characters of the story complete with costumes and props!  😜 Dial. It. Down.  

3) When it comes to things we expect from others, communicate your expectations with them-   Too often, we assume people can or will read our minds.  If we carry this assumption around, we will OFTEN be disappointed!  It's really not fair of us to expect someone to automatically do something they don't even know we want done.  Communicating our desires and needs with others will save us a lot of misunderstandings and frustration. We can communicate our needs to someone, but always remember they still need to have a choice of whether or not to meet them.  (And that's a conversation for another day!  Haha!)  

If you find that you're experiencing a lot of disapointment or negative emotions in your life, I challenge you to take a survey of your expectations.  By identifying the things we expect and maybe tweaking them a bit to be less intense, we create a much healthier mindset and have healthier reactions to life's disappointments.  

Now, I just HOPE you weren't EXPECTING this to be a really short post...because if you were, you're probably pretty disappointed right now!  :)

Have a Fabulously Mediocre day my friends!  

XOXOXO

The Unspoken Joy and Pain of Motherhood

 

I've been on a social hiatus for a hot minute, so it's been a while since I have written anything here.  I started this blog because I love to write, and blogging provides me with a great way to practice.  Also, sometimes you just have things you want (or need) to say, and writing can be very therapeutic.  And lately I’ve had a lot on my mind and could use some good therapy!  So let me tell you about what led me to this hiatus and what I have discovered along the way.  

My recent decision to take pause came about as I found myself feeling extra overwhelmed by some recent changes that had come into my life.  I started to find myself feeling like....hmm...what's the word I'm looking for....Oh!....A HOT MESS!  Yes, I started to feel like a hot mess of a circus clown decently juggling the 3 or 4 balls I started with and then dropping them all when I was thrown a few more.  I mean, to be completely honest "decently" handling things is being very generous in my wording. It would be more realistic to say I was actually  in survival mode, gutting my way through each day, holding onto a part time job, going to school (online) and working towards my bachelor's degree, raising three teenage girls, holding a time consuming calling in my church, and supporting (again, probably a loose term...hahaha!) a first responder husband with two jobs and a crazy schedule.

Then, my oldest daughter, who graduated from High School last year, turned in her papers to serve an 18 month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Before I knew it she had received her assignment to serve in Richmond,Virginia.   This awakened in me the realization that life as I knew it was going to change.  And not only because she would be leaving for a while, but because this was just the beginning of our immediate family dynamic changing and evolving.  

Meanwhile, some things unexpectedly changed at my work requiring me to be in the office everyday instead of the two days a week I was used to, Ryan got hired on full time at Life flight (in anticipation of him retiring from the Fire Department in March) and was now working two full time jobs, and I had overloaded myself with too many credit hours for my semester in school.  So I did what I usually do when I start to feel like I'm the juggling fool dropping balls every which way...I panicked, dropped ALL the balls, had a little freak out, and spent a couple days crying and eating peanut butter cups.  I know you're jealous of my amazing coping skills...believe me, it's taken me years to perfect them.  (Insert eye roll).

But after I let myself have a couple fall apart moments, I picked up the pieces and went to work putting my life back together.  And as I did that, I came to the realization that what I really needed was a moment to pause and focus on the one thing I felt was clamoring so intently for my attention: Motherhood.

Now, it wasn't that I had abandoned this part of my life or wasn't giving it my attention.  It was simply the realization that I was entering a new season or phase of Motherhood, and that was triggering a trickle down effect that would require some adjusting.   I have been through phases before, as life is a constant evolving journey, but this one was feeling a bit different.  It was my first experience with an adult child preparing to leave home, and it was definitely throwing me a curveball. I eventually embraced the fact that I really needed to figure some things out before I could fully transition into this new phase.  So, instead of clamoring to keep all the balls in the air while ignoring the emotions and feelings that were creeping up along side this change,  I sat back and let it all come in.

Are you familiar with the word "tsunami?"  Well, that's sort of what it was like at first.  A tsunami of emotion sweeping in and threatening to destroy all within it's path! 

 But as I regained my bearings, I came to embrace this reoccurring truth that has accompanied each phase and stage of Motherhood I have experienced over the years...and it’s the truth that there is a very unique joy and pain that comes with being a Mother.  And it’s not something we speak much about.  Maybe because it's difficult to put into words, or maybe because it comes in moments and isn't as constant and easy to identify as dirty diapers, rides to school, and midnight feedings.  But nevertheless, it is there.  And sometimes it demands we acknowledge it's presence.

It may seem counterintuitive to mention both  joy and pain within the same sentence.  But if you have ever experienced something like sending a child off to Kindergarten or grade school for the first time, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  In that moment of transition and growth, both joy AND pain exist within the same space, at the same time.  You are so excited for them to go off and learn, and you feel the joy of seeing them mature and progress.  And yet, in that same moment, you feel pain...the pain that accompanies even the slightest bit of letting go and the inevitable changes that will follow. 

And the joy is indescribable, and the pain is particularly deep.

And, it’s something I was fully unprepared for when I became a Mom.  

When expecting each of my babies, I read books and articles about how to mold and care for the little people that would soon be coming into our home.  I learned all about things such as breastfeeding and diaper rashes, when to introduce solid foods, and how to help diffuse a school bully.  But one thing I didn't learn or anticipate, until I began to experience it of course, is the inevitable joy and pain of learning to let go.  

Knowing how to let go, or stepping back to allow our children to fly or fall , is just as crucial as knowing how to change a diaper or nurse a sick child.  And yet, we don't always address it like we do the many other necessities of Mothering.  How important it is to recognize that these tiny humans who enter our lives and take over our hearts, eventually become full grown humans who will embrace their individualities and embark on a journey of their own...without us standing right next to them.  If we have learned the art of loving, while letting go, they will soar through the ups and down of life, and we will continue to feel the familiar cadence of joy and pain that continually flow in the heart of a Mother.

And again, the joy will be indescribable and the pain will be particularly deep.

So, as I prepare for my first child to "leave the nest" for a time, I reflect on the many joy and pain filled experiences  that have led us to this point.  We have been together through highs and lows, good days and bad days, and everything in between.  But taking the time I needed to process this current change in my life has allowed me some clarity to see the beauty of it all.  It is often within these moments of intense joy and pain that we experience the most growth.  While they are growing and progressing, we are doing the same.  And that is the glorious cycle of parenthood.  

Pausing, reassessing, and allowing this change to take place in my life has given me renewed perspective and peace.  I have come to accept that the unspoken joy and pain behind every milestone and transition in Motherhood will always be there.  But we can rejoice in the fact that through these experiences, we discover who we are, what we are made of and who we are meant to be.  

Joy and pain coexist to give us the richest experiences life can provide.  We just need to be willing, during the transitions of life, to let the tsunami come and bring with it a new phase of indescribable joy, intense pain, and beautiful new pathways to discover.  

And then, because we are Mothers, we need to pick up those balls and keep juggling!