Let's talk about Change.
Now, I'm guessing when I made this suggestion you had one of possibly three different reactions:
1) You instantly developed a pit in your stomach and lump in your throat...indicating an anxious response.
2) You got super excited and started plotting your next adventure.
3) You were indifferent and had little response at all. Except maybe all it did was trigger a thought about something you needed to do like change out the laundry, or change the lightbulb that's been out for two weeks in the bathroom.
I realize, when making an assumption like this, there's a whole lot of middle ground that I didn't cover in these possible reactions. But sometimes it's just easier to address the extremes. Like Bob Wiley (from "What about Bob") who says "There are two kinds of people in this world....those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't." It's just easier to say either you like change or you don't (or you're indifferent) but of course it's not always that simple. Maybe when it comes to Neil Diamond though. In my experience that's a pretty hot or cold topic. Either you like "Sweet Caroline," or you want to punch her in the face! It's as simple as that.
Okay....
Moving on...
The word change can definitely stir up some strong feelings or emotions in some of us, and there's a reason for this. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, we all have a basic human need to feel safe. I would add to this secure. Change is something that has the potential to threaten our current feelings of safety and security because it brings with it the unknown. When something changes in our lives, there is an inevitable period of uncertainty...especially as we adjust to the new "normal" it often brings. Some people thrive off of change...it's exciting and thrilling, and they welcome it with open arms. For others, the disruption of security can trigger feelings of anxiety, depression, or a sense of displacement.
I often like to tell my kids "The one thing we can be certain of in this life is change." That is a fundamental truth. Life is progressive, like the steps of an escalator, in constant motion. And anything that progresses has to change. Life is an accumulation of stages, or seasons, which push us forward and keep us moving. But the uncomfortable feelings that often come with change can sometimes be crippling enough to stifle our progression if we don't know how to embrace it.
Looking back over the stages of my own life, I can easily see the pattern of change AND growth that has come with each transition. And many changes have been good. But when you are in the middle of a particularly difficult or painful transition, it can be hard to see past the discomfort.
I am currently in the middle of a transition period myself. My first child has recently "left the nest" and with this change has come the realization that I am entering a new phase and season of life. Being someone who instinctively reacts to change with anxiety or resistance, this has been a particularly difficult one for me. Of course you always know when children come into your home that eventually they'll go out on their own...which is of course what you want! You want them to venture out and live their own lives, find their own place in the world, and go through their own life experiences. But being aware, and wanting that for them, doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Why? Because it involves letting go...and often it's letting go of something we may not feel ready to let go of.
I remember a time when I was trying to help my young toddler through a difficult transition. It was time to get rid of the binki! I was so over searching for a lost binki in the couch cushions or enduring the melt down when it couldn't be found. I was ready for this change! But she wasn't quite on board. She faced this transition with some resistance and anxiety.
After consulting an article about this in a parenting magazine, I sat her down and explained to her that she was now a "big girl," and she didn't need her binki anymore. She was not convinced...actually, she looked at me like I had an alien growing out of my head. Now that she is grown and I know her, I imagine she was thinking "Um, are you crazy woman?!" But nevertheless, I persisted and moved on to the next suggested step. I told her she could trade her binki in for a surprise, which she eagerly agreed to and swapped out the binki for the stuffed toy I offered her. So far so good!
The last step was to create a situation where she owned the idea of getting rid of the binki herself. So I took her binki's into the kitchen and cut off the tip with the scissors, so there was just a little stump of binki left on the end. . Then I took them to her and told her they were "broken" now and she needed to throw them in the garbage. My tender Mom heart can still see the horrified look on her face when she saw the broken binki's. It obviously traumatized me too! But I also knew it had to be done. She reluctantly took the binki's and we walked into the bathroom where she threw them in the garbage. I followed it up with some praise to reinforce she had done something good and she went on her way to play.
This is where I learned something about change. I remember going upstairs to put some laundry away, praising myself for a job well done. Parenting is a piece of cake! When I went back downstairs my daughter was quietly sitting on the couch watching the movie I had turned on for her. As I got closer, I realized my celebration had been a little premature. She was sitting there with a binki in her mouth! Where had she found it? I was sure I'd gathered every last one. I went down to ask her where she had found it. As I took the binki out of her mouth I suddenly realized it was missing the tip. That sense of security and comfort was so important to her, and so difficult to give up, that when I went upstairs she had gone into the bathroom and taken it out of the garbage. Her need for security was so great that she would rather have a broken binki than no binki at all.
Aside from breaking my heart AGAIN, this taught me something important about change. Even if the change is needed or inevitable, it's still hard to let go.
The concept of letting go sometimes triggers feelings of panic because it sounds so final. And sometimes it is. But much of letting go is just making room for something else. We may feel a sense of loss over the things we are putting aside, but inevitably something will come in an fill that void. It may not be filled in the same way, or even the way we expect, but it will be filled. Because time heals and has a way of filling in the gaps all on it's own.
When it comes to navigating the various seasons of life, it may be helpful to view change and transition as evolving, rather than "letting go." Evolving reminds us the process is about progression, not the ending of something. This time of my life has been somewhat difficult to accept, but I am choosing to work towards embracing the change rather than resisting it. My kids may be growing and will soon be moving on, but that doesn't mean that season of my life has to end. It will always be with me, because the growth I experienced during that time is ingrained in me now. So really, I'm just setting one part aside to make room for what's next.
But that doesn't mean I'm not taking some time to adjust. I've been a little like my toddler, sucking on a binki stub...trying to hold on for as long as I can! That, my friends, is a little something called denial...but that's a blog post for another day!
Have a Wonderfully Mediocre Day!
XOXOXOXO
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